Blessed be His name - I praise Him in the storm!

John 12:27-28

27 “Now My soul is troubled, and what shall I say?
‘Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this
purpose I came to this hour. 28 Father, glorify
Your name.” Then a voice came from heaven,
saying, “I have both glorified it and will
glorify it again.”

Several years ago, I wrote an e-mail on Groundhog Day about using the day to reflect on the preceding twelve months. While I said many profound (j/k) things in the e-mail, I wrote it mostly in jest, looking for a way to give some ground to the affection that I already held for the silly holiday.
This year, I truly have reason to reflect and I thought that I would share with you a part of the journey that I have been on the foregoing twelve months.
So much of the journey has had a soundtrack to it. The first song in the soundtrack has been Matt Redman’s “Blessed Be Your Name.” That song has been dear to me for a long time. When I would sing it, I would pray that I would still be able to sing it and mean it,

“On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering”

Then, I thought, that my faith would determine if I could sing it with meaning after a tragedy. I prayed often that my faith would be strong; that I would have the determination to not let go of God

“When I'm found in the desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness”

What I did not realize then, is that I had the equation backwards. When I found Caden that morning, it was not my faith that kept me from cursing God. It was God’s gift of faith (Romans 12:3) that kept me from cursing and blaming Him. When the overwhelming fear, grief, and panic hit in that instant, it was not my determination to not let go of God that made the difference. It was God’s determination to not let go of me that made the difference (John 10:28).
Through the mercies of God, I was able to sing and worship at Caden’s funeral when we sang that song.

“My heart will choose to say Lord,
Blessed be your name”

My heart could only make that choice, because God had already supported by His Holy Spirit, truly giving me a “peace that passes all understanding” (Phililppians 4:7). Again I point to what has been my theme verse for this past 12 months, John 12:27-28. My soul has been troubled, but I know that God placed me here for this purpose and I pray that He is glorified through my life and experience.
The next song on the soundtrack has been Natalie Grant’s “Held”. This song so aptly describes the first critical months of mentally and spiritually processing this tragic event.

“Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?”

I certainly knew that being a child of God did not prevent me some experiencing suffering. I, however, had been fortunate to not have any before. In fact, I had taught several times a South Park that we should be careful to look at the whole record of God’s word and realize that, while there are many blessings promised, never does it say that we will not suffer. It does say that when suffer we will be cared for. (Job 36:15)

“This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from
your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the
promise was When everything fell we’d be held.”

That is the way that I felt for the first days, weeks and months…simply held. In every aspect of my day-to-day life I could feel that it was God holding me up so that I could function.
I remember a time, several months after, that I was listening to Mary Mary’s “Shackles”. The chorus goes:

“Take these shackles of my feet

So I can praise you”

I remember then, asking God to remove the shackles of grief so that I could praise him more fully and unrestricted. Soon after that I remember being so overwhelmed with grief as I drove by the cemetery one night that I could barely drive. I was about to pull over, but decided to turn on the radio first for some distraction. As soon as I turned the radio on, a new song that I had never heard before began to play from the beginning. The song that was playing has been my Myspace song ever since. It was Bebo Norman’s “I Will Lift My Eyes”

“God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climbI will
lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now”

I cried harder then than I was before, because I truly believe that God had worked in advance (Jer. 29:11) so that that song would be playing at the very moment that I needed it to express what my grieving heart could not. And as that song spoke for my God did come near and minister to His beloved! Beyond any doubt, in many different ways, I was being held by my Father God.
The final two songs are similar, but each shares a specific meaning. The first is “Bring The Rain” by MercyMe:

“I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me
suffering your destiny so tell me what’s a little rain”

People have been astounded in the strength and faith that Erica and I have shown during this time, but we could not think of choosing the alternative – to go through this with God! Indeed, I have drawn closer to God, as I have had to rely on Him daily just to get up out of bed. The part of this song that was the most convicting for me is the line

“Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain”

One of my first realizations after losing my son was of the pain that God experienced when losing His Son. I don’t know that I would have made the same choice He did a year ago if I was told that I would lose Caden for a while, but much good would come of it. At first, I almost resented seeing God move in people’s lives as a result of my suffering,… not very Christ-like, huh? I certainly was not in a place where I could say, “Jesus, bring the rain.” But slowly this final song, “Praise You In This Storm” began to minister to me.

“I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear
You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my
hands for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills where
does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?”

Seemingly coming full circle, I have arrived at the place twelve months later that I began in. Blessed be His name. As His mercy falls I will raise my hands and praise You God, who gives and takes away. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm!

John 12:27-28

27 “Now My soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘
Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this
purpose I came to this hour. 28 Father, glorify Your name.”
Then a voice came from heaven, saying, “I have both glorified
it and will glorify it again.”

Lord,
Please be near to me always. I do not want to look to the left or the right, but only where you would lead. Restore to me the passion for people that you gave to me at Caden’s passing and the boldness to speak the truth of your love. Help me to remember the lesson’s you have taught through his life and death. Help me to continue his story, where he left off. Thank you for giving me one thousand and ninety four days to care over Caden. Thank you for bringing here in my life. May all that I do glorify Your name!

Scott 2-2-08