Like The Groundhog Phil...

Sermon Audio from January 9, 2009

2009-01-11T15:15:00.005-06:00

By the way, I stopped riding ...

2008-08-04T23:00:00.000-05:00

The bike riding was short lived. Life has a way of getting in the way. The month of July was busy and ended with youth camp. While I was at camp, My wife broke her ankle at her sister's house. Obviously, the long recovery means no bike riding for me for at least eight to ten weeks. By the school will have started and who knows what the schedule will be like then! It was a good few weeks. I plan to pick it back up in some form as soon as I can.

Surgery to repair the ankle was this afternoon. It took around an hour, but the recovery time afterwards was three times that! She is in a lot of pain, and has a long recovery time ahead of her.

The Daily Commute - 6/12

2008-06-12T08:09:00.005-05:00

I made it to work in 32 minutes!

I changed the route slightly to avoid that big hill from Green Oaks to Sublett. In the process it shaved off about 0.4 miles. In addition, as you can tell from reviewing my spreadsheets, my average speed was up by about 2mph! Think that this is due mainly to better configuration of my bike. I raised the seat some more last night. I think I almost have it in the right position.

The increased speed alone would have saved me about 5 minutes, leaving about 2-3 minutes saved from adjusting the route (not to mention the saved effort). We will see how the ride home goes tonight.

The Ride Home -
Well, the wind is still a killer, however, it only took me 40mins to get home. When I did, the kids were in their pool in the back yard, so I jumped in with them! I am not riding tomorrow because we have a meal at my parents house in the evening.

Miscellaneous -
I registered for school tonight. I will be taking six hours in a ten week course. I should be able to finish by the end of next summer!

The Daily Commute - 6/10

2008-06-10T20:21:00.000-05:00

I did not ride to work on Monday because Erica has a Bible study in the evening in Fort Worth. I needed to be home and ready to watch the kids before 5:30.
The ride in was pretty good. I woke up late again, but was able to get to work on time due to a 39 minute ride in.

I also made it home in 39 minutes! That is currently my fastest time on the return trip. I did change the route to avoid going up the hill from Green Oaks to Sublett on New York. The last two trips home I had to walk that hill anyway due to fatigue and heat. The new route was no problem.

Sorry to disappoint you with the lack of spreadsheet today, I forgot to mark the times.

The Daily Commute - Day 4

2008-06-05T08:48:00.001-05:00

Man, I have got to work on this getting up on time thing! I woke up at 6:30am instead of 6:00am. I guess I need a remedial class on how to use an alarm.
I still had plenty of time to shower, eat and be on the road by 6:59am. I got to the office at 7:38am for a total trip time of 39 minutes. This boosted my average speed by 0.2 mph when each leg speed is averaged and by 0.5 mph off of total time and distance. The biggest difference in time was lights and intersections. I did not wait as long today.
Another guy in the office that rides suggested that I check my seat height. Based on his information, I need to raise my seat by about 1-2 inches. This should make my pedaling more efficient, and be easier on the knee joints. I will have to remember to do that when I get home tonight.
I really tried to concentrate on keeping my cadence up and think that I am averaging at least 60 rpm now.
It is really windy again today, so the trip home look like it will be a workout.
I may not ride tomorrow, there is a chance for rain, and we are going to Erica's dad's house for dinner. We will see. Most likely I will ride in and have Erica pick me up to go to her Dad's house at 5:00pm.

Here is the obligatory spreadsheet

The Return Ride:
Once again, the wind was brutal! I actually got stopped by the wind at one point. I was going up hill on New York, a big gust came, and I almost came to a stop. The total ride time was 46 minutes. 46 minutes of unforgiving wind! I did learn that I need to adjust my seat (http://www.sheldonbrown.com/saddles.html#height). It might need to go up as much as two inches! I will have to also raise my handle bars. I tried to sit further back on the seat and it was easier to pedal.
I will make the adjustments and hopefully have an quicker ride in the morning.

The Daily Commute - Day Three

2008-06-04T08:48:00.000-05:00

I don't know how long I will do daily updates, I figure that soon the rides will pretty much be all the same. This morning was another Boxflex workout before the ride. I again, slept a little late, but was still up to workout by 6:10am. The first week on the Bowflex schedule is pretty light in addition to knowing the procedures better, so I was in the shower by 6:25am.
After breakfast, I loaded the van with clothes for Thursday and Friday (forgetting that I should have also loaded clothes for Monday-Wednesday of next week), was out the door and on the road by 7:00am.
The ride this morning was very pleasant. Again, using the information I learned I was able to be more effecient. Had the lights worked in my favor, I could have shaved 8-10% off of my ride time just from that information alone. Here is a breakdown of the timing of the ride:

View Larger Map
And a spreadsheet:

http://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=pk9J16pVVjxAesy4ObuGpXg&output=html

Erica will be picking me up today, since we have church this evening. So, there will not be a ride home!

The Daily Commute - Day Two

2008-06-03T08:03:00.000-05:00

Oh no!!! I over slept! I was using my cell phone as an alarm and obviously do not understand the snooze function very well. I woke up at 6:46am ( I was supposed to get up at 6:00am). I figured that if it was a 40 minute ride, I could leave as late as 7:15am and still not be late; I would just have to change clothes fast.
I jumped into the shower and got ready as quick as possible and was on the rode by 7:03am! Remaining consistant the trip took about 42 minutes, although I was sure that I had increased my average speed.
During the day, my good friend Adam directed me to http://www.sheldonbrown.com/. This site is chalked full of information for cyclist. Specifically, I looked at the information on how to utilize the gears. Here are the gear ratios for my bike (the second chart is mph at each gear):

This information was very helpful in understanding which gears to use when. I figured that for these first two days, I had an average between 40-50 rpm. A quote from his site:

"Inexperienced cyclists tend to ride in higher gears than they should,
pedaling at a slower cadence. Most experienced cyclists pedal at cadences in the
range of 70-90 RPM. This puts less strain on the joints, particularly the knees.
Racing cyclists often use even higher cadences for bursts of
accelleration."

The Return Ride:
The ride home was brutal! I check the weather, just before I left for home and the Arlington Municipal Airport was reporting winds of 15 mph w/gusts up to 25 mph from...you guessed it, the South! That being said, using the information about gear ratios I learned today, the ride was better than it would have been. I did have a mechanical problem with the gear shifter for the chainrings and wound up stuck in low gear. I was able to fix that once I got home, however. I still made the trip in about 42 minutes. I do have to confess that I walked my bike up the hill from Green Oaks to Sublett. The hill and headwind were a killer at the tail end of a blustery ride. And, I think that I made it up the hill faster walking than I would have on the bike!
Once I was home it was off to the shower and then to AMH to visit a good friend's baby boy who was born today.

The Daily Commute

2008-06-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I rode my bike to work today. I must say that as I was getting ready to walk out the door, I kept thinking to myself, "Are you really about to try this? Why don't you go back to bed and sleep for another hour!" There is always a certain amount of self doubt when you try something new. Another surprising thing to me...when I started down the driveway, I felt like such a kid. It was like I was going to ride my bike up to the South Euless pool or something that I would have done as a kid. Never mind that this endeavor was well thought out and well equipped.
The ride its self was relatively uneventful. I listened to Mp3s the whole trip which lasted about 40 minutes. Hopefully I can cut that time down to about 30 minutes in a few weeks. I tried to push myself to make it not just a leisurely stroll, but a good aerobic workout.
Some how I miss calculated my schedule and I wound up at work at 7:00am. I got up at 5:00am and worked out on my loaner Bowflex for about 25 minutes, ate breakfast, showered and it was still only 6:00am and still a little dark outside. I waited another 15-20 minutes for more daylight before leaving. Tomorrow, since I will not workout, I will probably sleep until 6:00am and shoot to be at work by 7:15am. We will see how the ride home goes!

Here is the route:

View Larger Map
The Return Ride:
The ride home was more difficult. First, there was a wind out of the south, the direction in which I was heading. Second, the trip has its biggest up hills on the return. Let me tell you, the leg from the trail head at Green Oaks to Sublett was a beating, double whammy! Headwind and uphill. Once I made it to the top, just before Sublett, I had to stop to re-coop and drink some water. The rest of the ride was not so bad. Return trip time: 5:11pm to 5:52pm.
The morning workout and roundtrip ride were good for an additional 5.5 WW points today which is always appreciated! Here's to tomorrows ride!

Blessed be His name - I praise Him in the storm!

2008-02-02T01:28:00.000-06:00

John 12:27-28

27 “Now My soul is troubled, and what shall I say?
‘Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this
purpose I came to this hour. 28 Father, glorify
Your name.” Then a voice came from heaven,
saying, “I have both glorified it and will
glorify it again.”

Several years ago, I wrote an e-mail on Groundhog Day about using the day to reflect on the preceding twelve months. While I said many profound (j/k) things in the e-mail, I wrote it mostly in jest, looking for a way to give some ground to the affection that I already held for the silly holiday.
This year, I truly have reason to reflect and I thought that I would share with you a part of the journey that I have been on the foregoing twelve months.
So much of the journey has had a soundtrack to it. The first song in the soundtrack has been Matt Redman’s “Blessed Be Your Name.” That song has been dear to me for a long time. When I would sing it, I would pray that I would still be able to sing it and mean it,

“On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering”

Then, I thought, that my faith would determine if I could sing it with meaning after a tragedy. I prayed often that my faith would be strong; that I would have the determination to not let go of God

“When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness”

What I did not realize then, is that I had the equation backwards. When I found Caden that morning, it was not my faith that kept me from cursing God. It was God’s gift of faith (Romans 12:3) that kept me from cursing and blaming Him. When the overwhelming fear, grief, and panic hit in that instant, it was not my determination to not let go of God that made the difference. It was God’s determination to not let go of me that made the difference (John 10:28).
Through the mercies of God, I was able to sing and worship at Caden’s funeral when we sang that song.

“My heart will choose to say Lord,
Blessed be your name”

My heart could only make that choice, because God had already supported by His Holy Spirit, truly giving me a “peace that passes all understanding” (Phililppians 4:7). Again I point to what has been my theme verse for this past 12 months, John 12:27-28. My soul has been troubled, but I know that God placed me here for this purpose and I pray that He is glorified through my life and experience.
The next song on the soundtrack has been Natalie Grant’s “Held”. This song so aptly describes the first critical months of mentally and spiritually processing this tragic event.

“Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?”

I certainly knew that being a child of God did not prevent me some experiencing suffering. I, however, had been fortunate to not have any before. In fact, I had taught several times a South Park that we should be careful to look at the whole record of God’s word and realize that, while there are many blessings promised, never does it say that we will not suffer. It does say that when suffer we will be cared for. (Job 36:15)

“This is what it means to be held. How it feels when the sacred is torn from
your life And you survive. This is what it is to be loved. And to know that the
promise was When everything fell we’d be held.”

That is the way that I felt for the first days, weeks and months…simply held. In every aspect of my day-to-day life I could feel that it was God holding me up so that I could function.
I remember a time, several months after, that I was listening to Mary Mary’s “Shackles”. The chorus goes:

“Take these shackles of my feet
So I can praise you”

I remember then, asking God to remove the shackles of grief so that I could praise him more fully and unrestricted. Soon after that I remember being so overwhelmed with grief as I drove by the cemetery one night that I could barely drive. I was about to pull over, but decided to turn on the radio first for some distraction. As soon as I turned the radio on, a new song that I had never heard before began to play from the beginning. The song that was playing has been my Myspace song ever since. It was Bebo Norman’s “I Will Lift My Eyes”

“God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can’t climbI will
lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
‘Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
‘Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now”

I cried harder then than I was before, because I truly believe that God had worked in advance (Jer. 29:11) so that that song would be playing at the very moment that I needed it to express what my grieving heart could not. And as that song spoke for my God did come near and minister to His beloved! Beyond any doubt, in many different ways, I was being held by my Father God.
The final two songs are similar, but each shares a specific meaning. The first is “Bring The Rain” by MercyMe:

“I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain
I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me
suffering your destiny so tell me what’s a little rain”

People have been astounded in the strength and faith that Erica and I have shown during this time, but we could not think of choosing the alternative – to go through this with God! Indeed, I have drawn closer to God, as I have had to rely on Him daily just to get up out of bed. The part of this song that was the most convicting for me is the line

“Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain”

One of my first realizations after losing my son was of the pain that God experienced when losing His Son. I don’t know that I would have made the same choice He did a year ago if I was told that I would lose Caden for a while, but much good would come of it. At first, I almost resented seeing God move in people’s lives as a result of my suffering,… not very Christ-like, huh? I certainly was not in a place where I could say, “Jesus, bring the rain.” But slowly this final song, “Praise You In This Storm” began to minister to me.

“I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear
You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my
hands for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone
how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills where
does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?”

Seemingly coming full circle, I have arrived at the place twelve months later that I began in. Blessed be His name. As His mercy falls I will raise my hands and praise You God, who gives and takes away. Though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm!

John 12:27-28

27 “Now My soul is troubled, and what shall I say? ‘
Father, save Me from this hour’? But for this
purpose I came to this hour. 28 Father, glorify Your name.”
Then a voice came from heaven, saying, “I have both glorified
it and will glorify it again.”

Lord,
Please be near to me always. I do not want to look to the left or the right, but only where you would lead. Restore to me the passion for people that you gave to me at Caden’s passing and the boldness to speak the truth of your love. Help me to remember the lesson’s you have taught through his life and death. Help me to continue his story, where he left off. Thank you for giving me one thousand and ninety four days to care over Caden. Thank you for bringing here in my life. May all that I do glorify Your name!

Scott 2-2-08

I'm Not Ready Yet

2007-12-19T14:49:00.000-06:00

This was e-mailed to me from SUDC, and it really spoke to me. It has been hard not being around people who knew Caden and church and new employees at work... As it says below, I am not ready to live on the surface. I want to share Caden with my new friends, but they will never understand what it has taken to get me here.
----

“I’m Not Ready Yet” We should know better by now. It shouldn't keep surprising us, but it does. No matter how hard we try, no matter what we do to prepare ourselves, it still happens. Year after year, generation after generation, it arrives without delay. It stays too long but never lasts long enough. It is filled with both anticipation and dread, and though we never learn enough, we know far too much. It is greeted with great joy and heavy despair. And it is always announced by the universal cry of ”I'M NOT READY YET!"

It's the Holidays that are coming, and I haven't even cleaned up the fireworks from the Fourth of July. I'm still unpacking boxes (we've moved again!) and now the calendar says it's time for the Annual Migration of Memories and The Great, Stuff-The-Turkey contest. Last year, at our gathering, the turkey won.)

Because we're in another new place, we will again have the dilemma of where to put the tree and how to explain to the company about that one empty stocking?

Nothing fits this year! I can't find the ornaments. The kitchen is too small and the pink plastic flamingos we brought with us from the Louisiana Swamp are going to freeze in the 20 degree below zero temperatures. I haven't memorized my address yet and the grocery store is in the wrong place.

We'll have to figure out where to hang a wreath and whether we should go electric in the yard this year. I'm busy practicing with the snow shovel and knitting little sweaters for the flamingos.

I keep forgetting where I've hidden the gifts I bought during the summer and nothing seems to fit in this place like it did in the last one! We were comfortable in the last place . . . but then I forget that's what we said when we first moved there, too. We always seem to be more comfortable in the last place at least we knew where the memories were and where to put them and how to handle them. Here, in this New Place, no one knows our story, our history. It is as if we have no past. It's easy to blend in, but not so easy to settle in. And THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING and I'M NOT READY YET!

"I'm not ready yet" is the universal cry of all beings. I'm not ready yet for first grade, for crossing the street by myself, for sleep-away camp, for junior high, for getting married, for getting a job, for having children, for burying someone I love.

I'm NOT READY YET . . . for grieving, for handling the holidays, for stuffing a turkey, for finding a place for everything, for living where no one knows my story. I'M NOT READY YET for Thanksgiving, for Hanukkah, for Christmas, for New Year's, for Three King's Day or even for blizzards or frozen pink flamingos.

I'M NOT READY for the annual flood of memories that always spill out as we unpack the stockings from their tissue-wrapped nest. I'M NOT READY yet for the clutch of pain that still wraps my heart in grief as we place the ornaments on the tree. I'M NOT READY YET for opening the door to greet strangers who are fast becoming friends but who may never know the effort it has taken for me to be who I am now.

I'M NOT READY YET to be normal and take my place among the normal people of the world. I look normal, and for the most part I act normal. (We do, however, have sweater-clad pink flamingos in the yard holding our SEASON'S GREETINGS sign.) Except for our story and for the tears in our family fabric, we are normal. But no one here knows about those tears, and I don't think I'm ready not to have a past just yet. I don't think I'm ready for no one to remember our hurt, let alone the joy our loved ones gave us.

I unpacked the silver today, intending to polish it and place it in the dining room so it would add its shimmer to the festive decorations. I wasn't ready for the flood of memories that came back as I traced my fingers over the delicately carved designs in the coffee pot, remembering how my mother patiently taught me how to polish good silver. I wasn't ready for the loneliness that swept over me as I placed the tea pot on the tray and suddenly wanted to call Mom and tell her I was, at last and again, home. She had taught me that silver always spoke of a comforting home, and now that I had found it and set it out, I wanted someone to remember with me all those talks my mom and I had shared.

I'M NOT READY YET to live only on the surface of life. I want to share my history with my new friends, yet it seems unfair of me to spoil their holiday season. It's not the same for me. There is still a lot of empty in my heart. Not as much as before, but now the emptiness comes from being too new somewhere to really belong. So I'll just have to figure out how to handle the holidays I'm never going to be ready for in places I may never be settled in. As long as the stockings are up and the silver is polished and ready, then let the holidays come! Somehow we'll figure out how to tell enough of our history so we won't be lonely and people will understand about the tiny empty chair, the flamingos, and the joy that lights up our lives when we clasp hands together in the family circle.

We'll decorate our new house (our new life?) with the treasures that speak of our history, finding joy in the memories they spark. We'll bring with us some of the old, add a few pieces of new, and practice the art of blending yesterday with today in hopes of creating another memory for tomorrow.

I guess it doesn't matter whether you have moved or whether you've been in the same place for generations. It is still an unsettled feeling when, for the first time; no one remembers the journey you've been on. The first time no one mentions The Name there is a hollowness in our being that leaves us empty and feeling alone. It is as if the world has made its move again, and everything that once was so awkward and out of place has now assumed a normal atmosphere, forgetting the price we paid for our new normal.

I'll hang the special ornaments, enjoy the silver tea pot, and cherish the warmth of the love these gifts of remembrance bring. No one else has to know the story for me to acknowledge it and remember it. No one else has to know the pain for me to share the joy of having these things be a part of my now.

We'll gather together and count our blessings, not only naming the ones around the table, but including those whose lives have touched ours in countless ways. One does not have to be present to be alive in the hearts of those who shared a few moments of the journey together. The heart never forgets, even when the world does.

No, nothing fits this year, just like nothing fit last year or the year before. But it's getting better, improving either with age or experience, or patience. Or maybe it's because it is simply becoming a thread in the continuing fabric of our lives. We will probably always be a bit unsettled, unnerved when the roll call finds a name missing or a chair empty. But then, why shouldn't we be a little sad when a light goes out in our world?

So this holiday season, gather in your blessings and count them ALL, knowing that no one else has to know about them for them to be real for you. Just because no one else knows The Story doesn't mean it is any less real. Count the blessings of the people in your story and find the peace that comes with counting a holiday of joy remembered and love shared.

Peace to us all, wherever we may be.

The Groundhog

2007-12-07T10:50:00.000-06:00

Read up on the world's most famous groundhog and part of the inspiration for this blog.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Punxsutawney_Phil